


The Brave Little Toaster

by damalur, Odyle



Category: Battlestar Galactica (2003), Big Bang Theory
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M, Kafkaesque
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-02
Updated: 2011-05-02
Packaged: 2017-10-18 21:31:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/193515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/damalur/pseuds/damalur, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Odyle/pseuds/Odyle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As Sheldon Cooper awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a monstrous robot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Brave Little Toaster

**Author's Note:**

  * For [dashakay](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dashakay/gifts).



As Sheldon Cooper awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a monstrous robot.

"Penny," he hissed. "Penny! You cannot seriously believe I should be allowed access to our primary defense when I am, in fact, a _Cylon_!"

Penny stuck her head out from underneath her Viper. "Sheldon," she said, "you aren't a Cylon."

"You make that judgment in haste. Examine the evidence at hand," Sheldon said. "For example, my pronounced lack of empathy."

Penny squinted at him for a moment before she retreated back under the Viper.

"Think about it, Penny!"

"I don't have to think about it, Sheldon. You're carrying around an actual, literal toaster. The Cylons may be fanatic, but I'm pretty sure they aren't crazy." Or at least not crazy enough to think they could commune with small appliances.

"Have you considered my symmetrically perfect features?" Sheldon said, passing her the fuel hose. "Or my ability to calculate transcendental numbers to thousands of digits in the span of one of your human minutes? Only a Cylon could do that, Penny!"

Beneath the Viper, the fuel line clicked into place. Penny pushed off and shot out from beneath the Viper on her creeper, almost bowling Sheldon over.

"I doubt the Cylons bother with calculating transcendentalist numbers. They've probably got better things to do like polishing their raiders or playing Tetris... where did you find a toaster anyhow?"

Sheldon made a puzzled face. "They aren't extinct, Penny."

"...Cylons?"

"Toasters," he corrected. "Although they are endangered, one could argue that most fauna associated with the Colonies is now endangered, including you humans yourselves."

"Sheldon, the toaster is not your pet cat."

Sheldon hugged the toaster tighter, stroking its chrome surface gently with one thumb.

"I have much more meaningful interactions with a toaster than I could ever have with a cat. It is further proof that I'm a Cylon."

"It's proof you're nuts," Penny said, rolling her eyes. "And you better hope the Old Man doesn't catch you dragging that thing around," she added.

"I've been thinking about going to your human commander with a confession," Sheldon said, completely oblivious. "Or at very least obtaining results from Doctor Baltar's brilliant Cylon-detection process, although I'm sure they would only confirm what I already know. Have you seen the speed with which I knit, Penny? It isn't natural!"

Penny had seen the speed with which Sheldon knitted, since socks were something of a commodity after the end of the worlds. She wasn't friends with him because of his conversational skills, okay?

"I don't remember 'supernaturally fast knitting speed' being one of the things they warned about on the poster."

Sheldon reached down to pick up the toaster's cord. He draped it over his shoulders.

"When the facts are examined it is plain to see that I am, in fact, a Cylon. How I escaped notice all of these years is baffling. Meemaw will be so heartbroken. I've been a cuckoo in her home--who knows what I did with the real Sheldon Cooper, if there ever was one... Penny, do you think my Meemaw could be a Cylon, too?"

"Sheldon, I've met your grandma. And believe me, she's not a Cylon."

"How did you reach that conclusion?"

"I doubt Cylons would be so interested in when I'm gonna 'make you an honest man.' Who even frakking says that? Is she Gemonese?"

"Don't be insulting, Penny," Sheldon said, running a finger around the rim of the toaster's orifice. "Meemaw merely finds your human customs quaint and amusing."

"Next time she tells me I have child bearing hips, I'll show her 'quaint,'" Penny muttered. She pushed the stairs up to the side of the Viper and climbed inside. Sheldon handed her the checklist and she started to go over the instrument panel.

"She's only concerned with the procreation of our species. At any given time we might not be in range of a resurrection ship. We Cylons have a drive to continue our species, too, Penny."

Penny glanced up from her pre-flight check. Sheldon was staring blankly at the side of her fighter, unconsciously fondling the toaster's sleek knobs.

"Sheldon, do you really think you're a Cylon, or is this just wishful thinking?"

Sheldon's eyes drifted over her Viper, refusing to meet Penny's. She set her clipboard at her feet and leaned on the side of her cockpit.

"These things don't mean you're a toaster, Sheldon. You're special for sure... but a special human."

"But I don't feel like a human, Penny."

"Well, yeah," Penny says. "Some days I don't, either. You've seen what I'm like after I spend a night in the pilot's mess trying to out-drink Starbuck."

Sheldon's fingers caressed the toaster's plug. "I've never imbibed your human alcohol."

"That's your problem, then," Penny said. "Look, soon as I get back, we'll grab some moonshine and find a corner to--"

Sheldon, improbably, inserted an entire hand into the toaster's slot. His hands were not small.

"Frak," Penny said, firmly.


End file.
